share your soul

It’s always been pretty easy for me to talk about emotional, hard things. I guess it’s kind of how I’ve learned to process them, to discuss them out loud, to get opinions, to find support. For some reason, recently it’s been a lot harder and a lot less satisfying to say the most painful words aloud. Maybe there just aren’t words that can adequately describe the torture of watching someone you love lose the fight against his own body. Maybe there’s no way to show someone how devastatingly helpless you feel when you realize you can’t kill tumors with hugs and water-colored lanterns, you can’t do anything to alleviate the anguish of others who love him so deeply, and you can’t take away the unfounded guilt he feels for causing it all. Maybe it’s because people don’t want to see the dimly lit bedroom and the lumpy bed we cried on while he drifted in and out of a morphine-tinted consciousness and the only words he could slur were about the pain. Maybe it’s because you don’t want others to know that you take longer showers because it’s the only place you can cry without him seeing. And maybe it’s because there’s no real way to convey the terrifying guilt that comes with feeling a tinge of relief that he will soon be free. But even those words don’t sound right. …maybe we’re amidst something so raw that only love can comprehend.

just spent an OBSCENE amount of time and money at Michael’s…and I am SO EXCITED to make everything!! yaayayayayayayayayyy DIY christmas gifts!

is kind of like being unable to sleep because tomorrow’s christmas.

does that make you santa claus? :)